My lease is up in February and I’ve decided to relocate from Texas to North Carolina. I’ve started scouting out apartments online before I book a flight to go apartment-hunting in person, and I’ve noticed a few things in the process. For example, I had no idea that hanging giant forks and spoons on dining room walls is a thing now, but you can see that trend in apartment photos. Granted, showing photos of apartment gyms, tennis courts, and swimming pools – but not a single apartment picture – is also common. Do people really pick pads based on tennis courts?
And I’ve started having an internal monologue in which I translate the Craigslist ads, which goes something like this:
- Charming = Whoa, that’s little. I mean really little. Kind of tiny, actually.
- Quaint = See charming; add 1980s paisley wallpaper.
- Experience the difference = Let me be the one to tell you: That apartment looks exactly like 90% of the other apartments on Craigslist.
- Elite = So you’ve got a bunch of empty apartments and desperately need tenants?
- Renovated = Check out those new peel and stick linoleum tiles in the kitchen.
- Welcome Home to the xxxx Lake Apartments! = Oh good … a manmade pond on-site.
- Maintenance-free living at it’s finest = Its.
- Many Shopping & Dining Options nearby = I see that KFC is on the corner, right next to Walgreens.
- LAST CHANCE TO SAVE = Well at least you didn’t blast me with exclamation points!!!
- Brand New Luxury Apartments = You’ve got that fresh beige carpet and taupe paint smell.
- Get it while its hot! = it’s
- Amazing = That is not at all what your photos say.
- Walk to Whole Foods = Oh good, you offer a hipster-friendly community.
- Find your perfect home = Let me assure you that my perfect home does NOT come with beige carpet and an “inclusive student package”.
- Voted the Best Management Company = You do realize that no one in the history of the universe ever said, “I really need to find an apartment that includes a management company that was voted the best”, right?
- With Updated Appliances = I’m sorry that the fire marshal made you get rid of the retro pea-green stove and nostalgic mustard-colored refrigerator.
- Accent walls! = All the walls are beige, except for the one we painted “mushroom”.
- Need a short term lease? Call Now! = Trust me, nobody wants to stay in this neighborhood very long.
- Minutes to Downtown Raleigh = 52 minutes, to be precise.
- Certain Aggressive Breeds Not Allowed = Good. I can’t stand to hear yappy little wiener dogs and chihuahuas. If I get another dog, it’ll be a pit bull.
Moving is exhausting, and I haven’t even packed yet.