20 Craigslist Apartment Ads Translated

My lease is up in February and I’ve decided to relocate from Texas to North Carolina. I’ve started scouting out apartments online before I book a flight to go apartment-hunting in person, and I’ve noticed a few things in the process. For example, I had no idea that hanging giant forks and spoons on dining room walls is a thing now, but you can see that trend in apartment photos. Granted, showing photos of apartment gyms, tennis courts, and swimming pools – but not a single apartment picture – is also common. Do people really pick pads based on tennis courts?

And I’ve started having an internal monologue in which I translate the Craigslist ads, which goes something like this:

  1. Charming = Whoa, that’s little. I mean really little. Kind of tiny, actually.
  2. Quaint = See charming; add 1980s paisley wallpaper.
  3. Experience the difference = Let me be the one to tell you: That apartment looks exactly like 90% of the other apartments on Craigslist.
  4. Elite = So you’ve got a bunch of empty apartments and desperately need tenants?
  5. Renovated = Check out those new peel and stick linoleum tiles in the kitchen.
  6. Welcome Home to the xxxx Lake Apartments! = Oh good … a manmade pond on-site.
  7. Maintenance-free living at it’s finest = Its.
  8. Many Shopping & Dining Options nearby = I see that KFC is on the corner, right next to Walgreens.
  9. LAST CHANCE TO SAVE = Well at least you didn’t blast me with exclamation points!!!
  10. Brand New Luxury Apartments = You’ve got that fresh beige carpet and taupe paint smell.
  11. Get it while its hot! = it’s
  12. Amazing = That is not at all what your photos say.
  13. Walk to Whole Foods = Oh good, you offer a hipster-friendly community.
  14. Find your perfect home  = Let me assure you that my perfect home does NOT come with beige carpet and an “inclusive student package”.
  15. Voted the Best Management Company = You do realize that no one in the history of the universe ever said, “I really need to find an apartment that includes a management company that was voted the best”, right?
  16. With Updated Appliances = I’m sorry that the fire marshal made you get rid of the retro pea-green stove and nostalgic mustard-colored refrigerator.
  17. Accent walls! = All the walls are beige, except for the one we painted “mushroom”.
  18. Need a short term lease? Call Now! = Trust me, nobody wants to stay in this neighborhood very long.
  19. Minutes to Downtown Raleigh = 52 minutes, to be precise.
  20. Certain Aggressive Breeds Not Allowed = Good. I can’t stand to hear yappy little wiener dogs and chihuahuas. If I get another dog, it’ll be a pit bull.

Moving is exhausting, and I haven’t even packed yet.